Right then, future aerial adventurers. You’ve decided to take the plunge and join the 5 billion-strong club of annual air travelers. Congratulations! That’s right, we’re talking about the same 5 billion souls crammed into aluminum tubes, hurtling through the sky at ludicrous speeds. Given the inherent lunacy of the whole endeavor, Simple Flying has provided a list of useful tips. Here’s my take, from someone who’s seen enough pretzels to build a small, extremely salty house.
Let’s dive, shall we?
10. Know Your Baggage Allowances. Oh, baggage. The bane of every ground crew’s existence and the subject of many a passenger’s tearful negotiation. Airlines, bless their profit-driven hearts, have strict limits. Think of it as a weight-loss program you didn’t sign up for. Going over? Prepare to fund the pilot’s next vacation. As my old flight instructor, Captain Al Timeter, PhD, once quipped, “The only thing heavier than excess baggage is the bill you’ll receive.”
9. Check-in Online. Save time, they say. Avoid the queues, they promise. In reality, online check-in is just another way to feel slightly less alone while staring at a departure board. Once checked-in, you can proceed directly to security! You’ll still be stuck in a queue, but at least you have a tiny piece of paper on your phone to prove it. Then, if you’re really unlucky, you’ll be stuck in the middle seat with two of your fellow passengers complaining about the lack of legroom. But at least you have a boarding pass.
8. Join the Loyalty Program. Free to join! Accumulate points! These programs are like dating apps for frequent fliers, promising love (upgrades) but often delivering only heartbreak (denied boarding) and endless scrolling through menus. Dr. Penny Wise, C.A.P. (Certified Aviation Pundit), explained it best: “Frequent flier miles? More like frequent flyer smiles… until you try to redeem them. Then it’s a whole new level of ‘mile’age misery.”
7. Be on Time. Arriving late is the cardinal sin of aviation. If you’re not on time, you’re going to have a bad time. Especially when there are massive queues, or when the airport is having a bad day, or when… well, you get the picture. If you happen to miss your flight, at least you’ll learn a valuable lesson: the definition of a self-fulfilling prophecy. And the next ticket costs twice as much.
6. Travel Etiquette. Ah, the unwritten rules. These are the invisible lines we all dance around, hoping not to accidentally elbow someone in the face. The most annoying in-flight behavior is still the invasion of personal space. The worst offenses? Taking your shoes off or clipping your nails on the plane. If you’re going to pick at something, at least pick at the complimentary peanuts. And maybe offer some to your neighbor.
5. Dress Comfortably. Loose-fitting clothing is your friend. Think of it as aerodynamic camouflage for your inevitable mid-flight bloat. Comfort is key because the airport experience can be a pain. Consider it pre-flight boot camp.
4. Bring the Correct ID. Forget your ID, and you’re staying put. This one is non-negotiable. Think of it as your golden ticket… or your wooden gate.
3. Pack Smartly. Restrictions abound! It’s a game of Tetris, only with liquids and lithium batteries. Power banks go in the carry-on, which must fit in the overhead bin. Then you have to sit there, and wait and wait and wait, for the person in front of you to figure out the right way to put their luggage in the bin…
2. Download the Airline App. It’s the 21st-century equivalent of holding a map. Except the map is on a screen and often leads you to the wrong gate anyway. Remember, you’re not really flying the plane, you are a mere passenger.
1. Plan Your Arrival. Once you’ve conquered the skies, congratulations! Don’t be that guy. Arrange everything in advance so that you won’t be that person who gets stuck.
So, there you have it: ten ‘helpful’ hints to navigate the wild blue yonder. Remember, flying is not about the destination, but the journey – the journey to the gate, through security, and eventually to the seat with the broken recline button. Happy travels!
BONUS VIDEO: Fascinating video of dummies and baggage crashed for safety
